Learning to Live with Bipolarism

Today I feel like shit. Whatever I do it, nothing works. There always seems to be some drama in my life. I want this to end!

Today, I went with my son to his doctor appointment; I always take him when I’m home, to show him that I support him 100%, But it isn’t enough; he still screamed at me and said I must like the sound of my voice because I repeat things to him–like “Did you take your medication?” or “Did you fill out your paperwork for your doctor?”, things like that.

I think I must have PMS today, or I’m just worn out from everything. This situation seems to have no exit for me except to disappear. But how I do that?

I love my son, and I want him to be healthy, happy, and have a normal life. But how long take to him just to be able to get up and the morning and feel like a normal person?

I can’t count how many consultations he his has this year, I can’t count how many doctors appointments he his had this month, and nothing seems to have changed.

I’m thinking he has the wrong diagnosis, or maybe his doctor isn’t good enough.

He sees his regular psychiatrist every Monday. Recently, he started to see people at the Gronowski Clinic in Los Altos, and (because we don’t have money for all the co-pays), he had intake interviews at San Mateo Health County Mental Health Services.

I’m so stressed out about everything that I decided to drive 30 miles and be by myself having my favorite Taro Tea in my favorite tea house. I have to calm down and continue to pray for God to give me the strength to be able to support him physically and financially.

I wish Bipolar people could understand how difficult it is to live with Bipolar person. At least when they feel good, they could apologize for the bad things they sad to us.

I’m very sad today. But for sure tomorrow will be another day, and I have to follow my instincts.

I don’t know what going in on, a lot of that I am sure. I called to NARSAD(Mental Health Research) to speak with someone in charge to ask how people who need information were to get it and how to get help with the Bipolar Disorder. They had information on family group, medication, suicide plans, doctors all kinds of things. It was a good package.

I read it and pass it onto my son, I’m not sure if he read everything, yet he said he did.

The good thing is, that he got accepted into a program called, The Kurt and Barbara Gronowski Psychology Clinic.

That day he came home happier, the next day he saw the psychiatrist from the clinic. He said the doctor I saw today was German; I was thinking that this is good because he could speak German with the doctor, I told my son, “Wow, one of your favor languages.”

I’m trying different possibilities to see if he improves and start to think in changing his life.

So far, the best psychiatrist was from Brazil, his mood was more stabilized even though he blames me that he had to stay in Brazil for 6 month.

He didn’t even realize, at least not yet that it was good for him. It is sad sometimes that way these people think (victims of bipolar disorder), the guilt that they can make you feel.

No matter what I do he is never happy I can only hope that one day he will be happy that is why I keep doing.

I don’t want to feel guilt for not trying and I am the only the person he has here in America. He is my son and I’ll sacrifice, but I don’t know for how long I can be strong, to listen and to do all that is required.

I just pray each and everyday and send to him the good energy (Johrei) for him and his ancestor, that one day, God ease the suffering.

Tomorrow he has a meeting with a psychologist from Gronowski clinic and I will be there with him to tell the doctor that I’m there support whatever he needs. My son said this psychologist is from France, another language that my son speaks and likes, again I had to say it, “Wow, your favor language.”

By the way, this doctor from the Gronowski clinic is student under the supervision of a professor.

I just want to see this end, and the dawn to rise, I understand that my son will have Bipolar with him for the rest of his life, but to improve, be happy, and have a semi-normal life. For this moment I wait and hope for…

I need family support group. I watched a least 10 video from people diagnostic with Bipolar disorder last sunday. I need to speak with someone  had experience how to live with Bipolar Disorder.

Below  video I watched:

Anna Pierce on Bipolar Disorder

Jane Pauley on Bipolar Disorder

It has been a long time since I’ve written in my blog. It’s been very hard for me with the all situations that have happened. I don’t know what to think or what to do, because I have to be with my son, he needs me he doesn’t have anyone else.

Nobody knows how I feel, and know one can help me either, because nobody feels the way I feel.

See my son in this condition sad, depress and don’t know what to do, he has to be under medication, and I know he can’t be himself.

After I struggle to give my son education, after the struggle to have my life for all these years, to see my son lost, hurts deeply.

The guy everyone always complement, the guy who knew everything, and talks about everything. I don’t know what to do anymore, so I pray and asking God for help.

I just cry, cry and cry.

Sometimes is hard for me because I don’t have anybody to share my feelings, sometimes I need to call my friend to talk about things or just cry to them, or I’ll just go crazy.

Sometime I don’t want to be me, It’s been one year that I have been going through this. I would love to have a different way to live, I worked so much, and I don’t seem to be going anywhere.

I have gotten separated after 5 years, I have to say he was a good companion, someone who was close to us, who listening to me and accept my son the way he is, Kid!

I just want to enjoy my day, be me, be able to do what I want, but unfortunately I have to take care my son until he is stabilized, looks like I’m going back in time, 24 years.

God give me peace.

It’s been very hard for me, I never thought have the situation like that.

I just can’t believe what going in on with my son, emotionally speak, I just asking myself what happening with is brain.

I don’t know what to do to change this situation, the only thing I do is crying every day in my bedroom in the shower  or anytime when I’m alone….. crying.

I just can’t believe how this Bipolarism affect my son and I just wondering if  one day he gone be ok, if one day he will have a job or if one day he continues to do the thing he likes most study.

Today, he saw me in tears and he asked if I’m ok, I said yes.

He said, why are you crying I said, friend of my died .